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Through The Waters

The School of Discomfort

Published 6 months ago • 1 min read

Hi Reader,
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I've been analyzing 35 interviews I've conducted with university senior leaders over the past few months.
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These are the Deans and Directors on the front lines of student life.
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I've been asking them what they're noticing about student mental health.
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One of the strongest themes is captured by this quote from an interview:

"They don't know how to be uncomfortable. Just because something is uncomfortable, doesn't mean it's unmanageable."

There is a developmental skills gap that universities are noticing. When students struggle with problem-solving, it often leads to a cycle of anxiety and avoidance.
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​What does this mean for you as a parent?​
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Most parents I speak with have a natural instinct to "clear the path." This might look like writing an email, picking up the phone, or handling a campus conflict.
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It's always well-intentioned. However, it can backfire.

When we rescue our students from discomfort, we accidentally send the message "I don't think you can handle this."
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This shrinks their agency, which spikes their anxiety.
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They begin to feel they can't navigate the world without an intermediary.

The Shift: Move from Manager to Consultant

Next time your student shares a problem, try this:

  • Instead of: "I’ll call the office for you."
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  • Try: "That sounds incredibly frustrating. What ideas do you have about how to address it? I’m happy to be your sounding board while you figure it out."

If they don't have any ideas, ask them curious questions to help them discover their own solutions.

Example questions:

  • "Who are the folks on campus who help with this type of thing?"
  • "What have other students been trying?"
  • "What advice would you give to a friend?"

Letting them navigate a problem is a gift. It proves to them that they are capable, and that's where true resilience begins.

Grateful to be on this journey with you,

Dr. Parke

P.S. - Yes, they might try an idea that doesn't work. This is a gift as well. It's how we all learn.

THROUGH THE WATERS

We help university students move forward with the next steps in their education, friendships, and future.
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Online community, courses, and training to help students with stress and anxiety--available anytime, anywhere.

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Through The Waters

For parents of university students

I'm a psychologist helping 1,500+ parents guide their students through their university years. I share tips, tools, and conversations that you can share with your kid. Why? Because they're in a uniquely stressful, transitional time in their lives (and so are you). Stress or anxiety should not be a main character in any student's story. Together let's help your kid move forward with the next steps in their education, friendships, and future. Subscribe now to join us.

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